Holding pattern

Now that we are "off treatment" as they would say, which means to me that she is not undergoing chemo, radiation or transplant we are in a holding pattern, a good holding pattern but a holding pattern just the same.  If I can quote another mother's blog "There is a certain type of cruelty that goes with being off treatment. We now get to live our lives in three months increments, where at the end of the third month, we spin the barrel, pull the trigger and hope that we will dodge the bullet that shattered our world again.  Our PET is scheduled for September 30th after which we will hopefully begin another 3 months of waiting.

She is still on a plethera of drugs at home, but we are at home nonetheless.  Still holding out that we will get to go on our much awaited vacation next week.  We still have not managed to level out her magnessium, but as Dr. Ron says we still have a week.  If I can quote another mother's blog "There is a certain type of cruelty that goes with being off treatment. We now get to live our lives in three months increments, where at the end of the third month, you spin the barrel and pull the trigger, hoping once again to dodge the bullet that would shatter the world around you."  Our PET is scheduled for September 30th after which we will hopefully begin another 3 months of waiting. 

In the meantime, Gracie is pretty much back to herself, although talking nonstop - and no I don't think she gets it from me, for all you out there WONDERING!.  She is much more active and I think I counted the other day I didn't sit down for nine hours, between the trips to the park, hauling out toys and making food non-stop.  I have no idea what I am going to do when Gary goes back to work at the beginning of September.  Although this may sound negative I am so excited to have her back that I would take not sitting forever if she would just stay like this.  That being said I would like the eating to calm down, which it will once she is off steroids, but she has gained almost 2 kg in two weeks I now have a 28 month old who weighs 14 kg!  Holy moly.....but as her dietician Suzanna says in a couple of weeks I will be whining that she is not eating enough.

A few people have asked me if I am glad that it is over.  Here's the thing, as a cancer mom it is never over, as I said before you live your life in 3 month increments, and although the anxiety will ease with every passing scan, the amount of children I have seen on ward and in clinc that are there because it has come back 2 and 3 years later or that they have developed secondary cancers becuase of the initial treatment makes me scared.  However I do keep in mind that I don't get to see the ones who don't come back.  It is just the amount of new faces in clinic and ward makes me wary.  According to Stats Canada two-thirds of childhood cancer survivors (those diagnosed under 5 years of age) will have at least one chronic or late occuring effect from their treatment.  Although I hate statistics, because Gracie was that less than 1% of all cancers diagnosed in children, its hard to put out of your mind completely.  So when asked when will be over?  Answer I give is "I don't know", truthful answer is "it will never be over".