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If you would have asked me a month ago, or even a few weeks ago for that matter, about what lay ahead for Gracie, I would have said we just need to get to transplant, then everything would be fine.  Now that we are here for some reason I no longer feel that way.  I cannot pinpoint why I feel this way, I just know that I do.  Maybe it is that her team cannot give us better odds of this working, or the fact that you come up here only to face the reality that children do die and no you are not watching this happen in a movie or on the news.  None of us ever like to think that happens, especially those outside of our special club up here at Children's, as it is just to horrible to conceive.  But the reality of the matter is that they do.  If you were to ever meet one of these children that is facing uncertainty in their future you would think that you would be met with confusion and sadness, but go figure, that is actually their parents, the children really do live in the moment, even the ones old enough to understand, they so live moment to moment, and make everything out of that moment. I wish I could be more like them.  I wish I could take every moment and not be sad, but exude happiness and strength, but alas another reality is that whether it be I am too jaded by life, I am having a hard time keeping my chin up these days, but I do try.  I know that most people in my circle close and otherwise do not want to hear about these other kids that I am speaking about, but my life, my emotions and mostly my heart is so affected by them and their families.  Maybe it is because they are my partners on this journey, some of them were my strength at diagnosis when I felt so alone and confused, maybe because my reality is that their reality could so closely mimic my own.

Gracie continues to get sicker, which they say is par for the course, but it is so hard to watch your child be this sick.  She is no longer keeping any food or liquids down and has a hard time even being awake.  However on the good side they say it is great that she has not needed morphine and they expect her to start feeling better by next weekend, she still may not have an appetite but she will start to feel better as her counts come up.  So hopefully yesterday, today and tomorrow will be her bottom days and life will get more positive after that.

I apologise if this post is hard to read for some of you, but I said when I started this blog that I would write as close to how I feel as possible and right now this is how I feel. But because Gracie can pick herself up, I too will pick myself up and be ok.

Thanks for following.

Love The Sterks