Scan day

Well here we are at scan day yet again....it is always with such trepidation I anticipate these days and the days that follow as we wait for results. It is a double whamy though with the one year anniversary of Grant's passing and our friend Ty's passing both this week; these events have a way of pulling you right back into hell.

We have had a great summer, we have been camping almost every weekend at a seasonal spot quite close to home. It doesn't hurt us at all that one of the other seasonal campers next to us is a Emergency Room Nurse, brings much comfort. Gracie absolutely loves this, and if you ask her if she wants to go to the trailer, she will drop anything she is doing, including eating chocolate, and run to the car. She started Preschool last Thursday and is so excited about it, it is a proud Mommy moment for sure. The only thing she was disappointed about was that she didn't get to go by herself and that she didn't get to ride the yellow bus.

One of our biggest concerns about Gracie was her social skills.  Being so withdrawn from people for so long, we thought she may be quite clingy and shy, well it is with positive affirmation I say this id definitely not the case.  She makes sure she knows everyone's name and talks to them like a tiny adult.  She approaches other children with kindness and sparkle, she was definitely a leader in her preschool class on that first day.  Don't get me wrong, perfect she is not (is anybody?) she still has the three year old attitude with all the crap that goes with it, but she definitely is not shy and she has a gentle soul. 

This day will be long as she cannot eat or drink anything and her scan is not until 3.  But I can't help but feeling it so pales in comparison to what other people have had to endure, or are enduring as I write this, my thoughts will always be with you.

Will post the results as soon as we know. 

Love The Sterks

It has been so long since I posted anything, that the whole format changed...Wow.   I kind of fell apart on my posts after the loss of a few of the most exceptional people I have ever met, and our lives went so well.  It felt selfish to even comment on our lives.  How come everything is going good for us? Why? Trust me I know I am not that great of a person to deserve some peace, accompanied by life.  

This is not about my grief or my feelings but I found it it hard, hard to be happy, because two people whose lives were cut short kept dancing in my head.  I found it hard to articulate what I felt, because those children were not mine, how is it possible that I felt so bad, but my child was doing so well?  Life becomes wierd, I would like to use the word "hard", but it is so overused by the norm, that I find weird a better word.  Hard, all life is hard, hard is easy if you know what I mean. 

Gracie is doing great, she is a bundle of energy, and I would be lying if I didn't say I am waiting for our world to crash but so far it is not, and that is great.  She is hilarios, she oftens says "Mamma, my tummy hurts I am going to sick I need a bowl", well I scream around like a crazy woman, hoping to avoid the olive green tupperware bowl of my past and get her something only to hear her say "nope , not today", what does a Parent do with that?

So I decided to write again after a great chat with a good friend who has just lost her Cousin to a car accident, Saturday night.  This conversation left me reeling, I felt I was no help to my friend, as usual, I didn't know what to say, so I babbled about my own issues.  This is what I felt, this young woman's loss is so tragic, but it is doubly so because just over 20 years ago my friend watched her cousin succumb to lukemia (so a Mother loses her child only to lose her Grandchild to a unfateful care accident, really how much could one family endure?).  This is where I question my Spirituality. I have spent time with my friends Mother (who happens to be a volunteer with Child Life) and although I never got the chance to say "thank-you", I wish I could now.  I wish I could give her some comfort in her time of loss.  Mrs. "V" I will be forever grateful, my heart pours out to your whole family.

I think it is the loss of this young womens's life that spurred me to write on this blog again, this and a few people who have encouraged me.  The loss for this family makes me enraged, for lack of a better word.   This and all the other family's I have seen who have to deal with the unfair loss of a child, be it a 2 year old or a 22 year old.  It is not right.  I know some people who will think that they can empathize because they have lost a Grandmother, or Grandfather, or albeit a Mother (RIP Mom), or Father, or a Dog (RIP Abby), losing a child is unnatural and you should never comare it to anything, because you have never lived it, and God forbid you ever, just remember people will remeber not what you did, but how you made them feel.  A hug can go a long way if they are ready.  If that person (like me) isn't touchy feely, then being in the background is awesome.  They will probably surprise you in a few years and say I "remember you being there", that goes further than you will ever know. The best peice of advice I ever got from my own Mother, when my best friends Mother, Nancy, died was "if you don't know what to say, don't say anything, and if you don't know what to do, do nothing, just be there..."

Life is good, confusing all the time, but good.  I can honestly say that over the last three months we have LIVED, we have been able to make plans and keep them, we have swan, been in gymastics lessons ( which I dont think she likes), and camped alot.  Life is normal, whatever that means.  Chaotic is good!   The differences being is when we are asled fr immunization records yes she maybe canpt gp, not because I dont ahev them but because she doesnt have them , if that makes any snese.  She has to be treated like a newborn as far as immunizations so she will start the 6 months at almost 4.  We ahve not decide if we will give these to her, as she seems to be out in pblic just fine,

All results and surgery over!

Wednesday was a day of celebration for us as we were told by our Oncologist to go and live our lives.  I am not much of a cryer but I cried, I cried alot.  I really never though we would get to that day, I never thought I would hear those words.  I look back at our last 22 months and realize what a mountain it was.   I went into a defence mode of sorts where I only looked a day ahead and sometimes when we were in really dark places an hour or two ahead at a time.  You can't help but feel like there is a big "but" waiting.  I have decided though that we will live, and live we will until the next test which should be in June, a CT scan.  There may be an issue with some of her lymph nodes, but nothing compared to the past.

Her dental surgery went without a hitch on Thursday and we only ended up removing four teeth, the rest of the decay was treated with fillings, and of course she has spacers in so when she opens her mouth she looks a little like "metal mouth".  The surgery lasted three hours and her recovery a couple of hours, we were home by 3.  She ended up sleeping until 6, and then woke up her usual spicy self, however she ended up awake at 2 asking for eggs, did take me back to those steroid days in the hospital.  I fell back asleep but she ended up bugging her Dad and went back to sleep on the couch. 

We celebrated a bit over the weekend and now life begins.  Trying to get Gracie on a bit of a normal schedule and we start Gymtastics next week and swimming lessons in May.

Thanks to all who have followed our journey.  I probably will not post very much in the next few months, but will update in June when we do our CT Scan.

Have a great Spring everyone!

Love The Sterks

Biopsy Results

I am writing this on the fly, because based on everyone's calls, texts and emails everyone is concerned.  We did get the results we wanted.  They believe that the lymph nodes are "lit up" because of something viral.  We have not gotten the official report as they have sent them for further testing just to be sure, but Dr. Ron looked at them with the pathologist and he said that they do not look like T-cell lymphoma cells.  It is all very complicated so I will spare you all the details, but basically they do not look cancerous.  We will get everything for sure next Wednesday.

It has been a trying couple of weeks for us and we have been on pins and needles as this took longer to come back than most of our other results, for reasons I understand but will not elaborate on.  So we feel like we can plan our lives a bit, but we are doing this with some trepidation as it feels maybe too good to be true.  I know that in the past I have been accused by some of being negative and having a bad attitude towards these good results, but before you judge our reactions I do ask that you walk just a week or maybe a month in our shoes first.

So in a nutshell "HAPPY SPRING", I must go in order to start planning!  I am making lists (Jen I know you would be so proud) and checkin them twice as we start to truly be able to plan to enjoy our summer coming up.  We have our dental surgery next Thursday and hopefully I do not need to see another anaesthesiologist for a long, long time.

Take care and love to all.

The Sterks.

Scan Results

Ok so last Thursday went really smoothly, if you want to discount getting an IV and a two hour recovery on ward smooth, then smooth it was.  We have now got the results of that and the good news is that there is no signs of anything in her skin.  There are no masses anywhere!  This is a big YEAH! 

But, yes the big BUT there is something now in her lymph nodes, there were four of them that "lit up".  So we don't know what these are as a PET scan only shows hot areas, not why they are hot.  These were never there in any of her previous biopsy's.  It is so hard with these little guys to know that everything you have done to them to get them well, will not eventually end up making them sick, again.  They are hoping that this is a post viral thing and this is why they are "lit up".  The only way to tell is to do a biopsy as waiting another 4-6 weeks for a PET is something they say they cannot do, in case it is not post viral.

So here we are in a holding pattern once again and I find myself holding my breath again.  We have some more meetings up at Children's tomorrow and then hopefully Friday they can do a biopsy, maybe even Saturday (they clearly want this done fast - or Saturday would never have been mentioned!).  We hope that this will be easily identifiable and not have to be sent back to Austria as the first one was.

Will keep you all posted.

Love The Sterks.

PS: Added some pics of Gracie with her crazy hair, along with her and I in Fish Creek. Gracie was riding her ever favourite, her red Radio Flyer.

The Lion King and a PET Scan

Anybody who knows me well knows that I am a movie freak.  I can watch 4 movies back to back without blinking an eye, well at least I used to.  So when we talk about momentous occasions in our children's lives people think first words, first steps, first teeth.  Well forget that, our momentous occasion came in the form of popcorn, The Lion King and a toddler who actually, yes actually laid down and watched this!  Some of you are probably thinking, she has never watched a movie?  Yes she has numerous times, but this, in my mind, was an actual movie, no it was not a Johnny Depp masterpiece or anything but it was a movie that did not involve the Backyardigans, Curious George or Dora.  It actually had a plot that did not involve a magic backpack.   Now be it that we had to fast forward through the scary parts, which involved any scene where the colours were a little muted so our 90 minute movie turned out to be about 45 minutes, but hey beggars can't be choosers.  I was able to actually lay down on a couch (yes lay down) and I did not get any toddler feet kicking me in the head, or demands of milk every five minutes nor was I even asked to dance.  This people was a momentous occasion.  I know that I do not want her to grow up to fast, but if she could replace Dora with Meryl Streep, the Backyardigans with the Ocean's Eleven Crew and Curious George with Al Pacino or Matt Damon, we would be in business and then I don't care if she ever hits any other milestone, my life would be complete, a forever interested movie watching companion, yes yes life would be good.

It is PET Scan time again, albeit two months late thanks to the Anaesthesia team up at children's being "too busy" to go to Foothills to allow her to have her scan, and our oncology team fighting hard for her, only to have to go to the head of the food chain once again in order to get it done.  Don't even get me started to what that does to a Cancer Mom's psyche.   So we are set for March 8 (Thursday) at 1 p.m.  I hope in my heart of hearts nothing goes wrong to mess this up, as it so often can.  She has been sleeping more than usual this past week and that leads them to believe that she has been fighting a (mild) virus we did a chest xray in order to rule out anything pneumonia like (refer to the last time she got put under anaesthetic and we ended up in ICU with pneumonia) all came back clean.  However it kiaboshed our plans for the weekend and we ended up not doing a whole hell of alot.

Once again we sit on egg shells waiting for Thursday and not wanting to really think about it at all.  I don't know how to stress how hard scan times are on Cancer families.  Like I said in one of my other posts, you load the barrel of the gun and spin it one more time and hope to God it does not fire.

I hope all is well in everyone's world and wish everyone well.  Will update once we receive the results, or if Gracie happens to sit through "The Help" in which I will be over the moon.

Love The Sterks